How to date a Deaf person?
I’m noticing there are more hearing people dating deaf people largely because they are learning ASL and think we’re cool people. Here’s the list below.
1. You need to know ASL (duh) and be darned good at it or have a passion for it. It takes a long time to develop “deaf eyes”. How do you know if you have them? You don’t find yourself saying “what’s that sign or what did s/he just say?” anymore and able to talk with our Deaf friends at ease without looking at us for help.
2. If you don’t know what’s that sign or what we’re talking about, ask. Please don’t pretend.
3. Don’t over-patronize. If we want to order food on our own, let us.
4. Don’t ever feel bad for our inability to hear. It’s irrelevant like we don’t feel bad that you can hear.
5. You are not an interpreter but there will be times you will need to interpret. If it becomes annoying, you should have second thoughts about dating one.
6. If you happen to know or meet a hearing friend who knows ASL, talk in ASL. Save your voice for your non-signing friends.
7. Respect each other’s culture. We don’t mind hanging out with your speaking-only friends but not all the time and you don’t have to hang out with us all the time. Balance is nice. Example: if you want to go to a movie theater with your friends and it doesn’t have subtitles or captions, don’t feel bad. Remember #4.
8. If you really want to date a deaf person, watch “Children of Lesser God” first to get some idea.
9. It’s impolite not to tell us who you got off the phone with.
10. We like loud music. Deal with it.
Hope these help. Happy dating!
23 Comments, Comment or Ping
Wolfers
I beg to differ about #5. I have dated a few hearing guys and I NEVER had them interpret for me. I did and will NEVER ask them to take on that responsbility. In my belief, if there is a need for interpreters, I’ll ask that location to provide an interpreter (as I did for when we went to a night tour of New Orleans.) I don’t know about you but I am fiercely independent and I don’t believe in relying on anyone. If I don’t understand someone, determinating on the situation, I will ask that person to either write down or repeat saying it. And before you assume, I am not a good speaker or lip-reader. Several hearing folks told me that they dated deaf folks and found out that they ended up interpreting overmuch that they WONDERED if the deaf person was “dating” them for “free” interpreting or for relationship itself. GOOD question.
Wolfers
Mar 4th, 2007
Suzy
DO YOU date hearing person along with interpreter?
YOU know Marlee Matlin did play on L Word show on Showtime on televsion.. She is dating hearing lady along with male interpreter..
OMG that gives hearies world wrong impression. That we deaf people are depending on interpeter .. NO WAY!
I do date hearing lady and we learn to communicate by teaching ASL and write notes for a while then in time she will learn to sign if she is really interesting serious to be with you then teach them ASL will do fine!
FORGET interpreter on dating … Im not very imppressed with Marlee playing in L Word.
SB
Mar 4th, 2007
asdf
Why you said that? Do you think we are idiot!? That only questions that you wrote to see what we respond that can educated yourself. Duh.
Mar 4th, 2007
natech
I didn’t mean to sound like that, to use them as interpreters. I was thinking more along those lines: a hearing girl and I are meeting her friends for dinner. Do I just sit there at the table, looking at them talk while I play with my food? I don’t think so. I would expect her to interpret a bit and try to stay involved in the conversation.
All I’m saying there will be times that she would need to interpret like if we’re meeting her family but ofc you are right, never use her like she’s a full time interpreter. That would be awful.
Mar 4th, 2007
natech
After receiving emails and your comments, I’ve edited the #5 to make it more clear. Thanks all for your input. :-)
Mar 4th, 2007
Lantana
Well what about when the deaf person and the hearing person are dating and they go to a totally deaf party? The deaf person will have to do some interpreting there!
Mar 4th, 2007
Barinthus
At the first I disagree with rule #5 but after reading your comments, I understand what you mean.
I might would have worded it differently like not using the word “interpreting” since it’s a such loaded word in Deaf World.
Maybe something like “From time to time during your conversations with non-signing persons, it’d be nice to fill in with your Deaf date regarding what’s being said, something like a summary.”
Something like that. *shrug* I think there’s alot of preferences regarding that. Some persons may want word for word but me - I’m satisfied with a summary because most of the time conversations are about… nothing. Nothing important. If I’m interested in knowing more, I’d just ask questions and go from there.
Anyway, a good list!
Mar 4th, 2007
Barinthus
Lantana - sorry, I disagree. A Deaf person is constantly surrounded by gumflappers. Then finally he is among his own peers who can communicate with him in his own language. I say, the hearing person just will have to figure out how to adapt.
Mar 4th, 2007
BEG
Um, whatever happened to dating a [deaf, hearing, purple] person BECAUSE YOU LIKED THAT PERSON?
If you really want to polish up your ASL skills then can’t you just hang out with deaf people?
Children of a Lesser God gives you some idea, but it does not encompass the full range of possibilities either.
Still I suppose the above list is good if you happen to find yourself dating a deaf person.
Mar 5th, 2007
fieryz
It’s depend on hearing person’s personailty. I have dated a few hearing guys. I perfer who is a patient person. I dont mind to have a hearing boyfriend if he’s very patient. Im fully deaf woman.
Mar 5th, 2007
siftus
Wow. reading these forums gives me so much more depth into peoples experiences than reading dry articles. Its nice to see what people (hearing or non) have on their minds. Before I flap my gums I’d like to thank everyone for their insight.
I’m a “hearie” lol, so keep that in mind.
I’ve found that in dating body language is one of the most important aspects anyway. To look into your companion’s eyes and see each other’s thoughts with no actual communication is part of what dating and eventually love is really about anyway. The million words that are transferred though just a touch transcend any other forms of human language. These are the simple things that come before a relationship can flourish at all and then you begin to hash out stuff like trust and goals or who interprets for who. (I apoplogize. My grammar is as bad as my sign.)
I have a close friend I adore (not dating to my chagrin. lol. yeah i’m hilarious) and we have attended both hearing and non hearing parties together. We do tend to rely on each other for a certain level of interpretation yet I think we both find it somewhat patronizing when the other interprets unwarranted. But sometimes she sees me get lost or vice versa, then that previously mentioned eye communication kicks in, and then the other intervenes with a bit of catching up as you might put it. I surely will catch her up as I refuse to let her feel left out and evidently get bored enough to retreat to the ole sidekick.
Our friendship is very much based on patience and humor. I have a feeling dating between deaf, HOH, and hearing ppl would have to be similar. Her friends make fun of my somewhat juvenile ASL (even though I’ve known a sliver for over fifteen years without enough practice to be seasoned.) and I make fun of my hearie friends in sign to get a smile out of her.
It’s about the smile is my point to all this.
Every bond is different and has its own unique set of rules even if they are unspoken. I think this list is very interesting and helpful, yet each relationship should be just as unique as the individuals involved.
Love is a funny thing. Yeah?
~j
May 4th, 2007
siftus
Oh, and as a sidenote…..
I love the last one.
I like loud music too, probably why I’m loosing my hearing.
~j
May 4th, 2007
natech
Siftus, are you in love with someone who’s deaf? seems like you are. Yup, love is a funny thing, true that.
May 8th, 2007
greg
I fell in love with a listener.
No. She doesn’t hear like I hear. But g-d. She takes in everything. I remember wishing that I would experience half as much as I can tell she experiences. I wish I would pay attention as she does.
So. Tip for the hearing. Listening is what separates the life lived from the life experienced.
Here’s my tip list for the listening impaired …
1, Reading lips is awesome. Learn it. A loud restaurant will never be the same.
2. Get acknowledgment. Don’t settle for “Yes.” If you don’t think she heard you. Say it another way.
3. It’s not about hearing or not hearing, it’s about finding the talents of your loved one. Finding your loved one’s talent is life lived in surround sound.
4. Position yourself to hear everything. Your girl will want to be in tune with the conversation. It’s not necessarily about hearing. It’s about participating. For example. If you were a star basketball player. And a friend who didn’t play much joined you in a game. Wouldn’t you toss her a pass with a clean line to the hoop? Of course you would!
5. If you really want to know what it’s like to date a deaf person, then date a deaf person. Sorry. But the Children’s thing is just stupid. I’ve found that dating a person who happens to be deaf has been more about being with the person I’ve wanted to be with than being with a person who doesn’t hear like I hear.
Nov 24th, 2007
Jennifer
I would never date a deaf person period. There would be too many challenges of communication. I would never date someone who is handicapped, mentally retarded, etc.
Feb 19th, 2008
natech
Haha you’re funny but sorry to hear that you feel that way. If that’s how you feel, then sure, be that way. No one is telling you to date a deaf person.
Feb 19th, 2008
Baby Brown Eyes
A deaf person is no different to any sufficient other who is able to hear.I’m a hearing girl and been involved with a guy who is completly deaf and never treated him any differently to anyone else.jennifer that’s your own oppion and Natech i agree with you nobody is telling her to date a deaf person and using a strong word as “mentally retarded” is so heartless
Feb 24th, 2008
CSO
To be honest … dating a deaf person or a hearing person - the choice is really up to any individual.
I either like to date hearing or deaf people. I know by dating an hearing person is really tough because for given lack of cultural understanding of how we deaf people live in everyday life. Dating an hearing person, of course, gives me a great opportunity to build up wealth because, generally, hearing people earns more income than deaf people - I am speaking only when we are married.
However, I met several deaf divorcees - they were unhappy with hearing partners. I don’t see any reasons that hearing people are really bad people. They have several reasons - you can name - communication and poor cultural understanding as two of main reasons why marriage or dating does not work very well.
So, the choice of dating is really up to them … whatever does not work out very well - the responsibility goes to both of them. No need to criticize .. who is right or who is wrong. :)
Apr 5th, 2008
debbie
you can’t help who you fall in love with. my cousin is dating a woman who happens to be deaf, but she is very sweet and they are good for each other. all the power to them :)
May 16th, 2008
kahlua
hi…i really like this guy whos deaf…we text each other a lot..he made an efford to see me b4 he left for college…that was really sweet of him…i really like him…i dont know if he likes me or not ..cuz if he would be a ragual guy i would know that he likes me..but i dont know i think deaf people are really sweet weather they like u or not..may be am wrong i dont know ..i have not yet met a rude deaf person..so am confuesd..hes not dating any one n i dont know weather he would like a girl who can hear…is he just being nice or he like me as well…
Jul 4th, 2008
kahlua
due to lack of education abt deaf people i dont know weather hes like hearing guys or do unhearing guys have different way of liking girls…
Jul 4th, 2008
natech
Hi Kahlua,
Nice to hear from you. First of all, anybody who is deaf isn’t any different from other hearing people. So there may be some deaf people who are rude, some others nice. The reason he may like you is because you simply make efforts to communicate with him, which doesn’t happen very often with other people. Now, you said he’s in college, so maybe it is best that you both keep in touch and be friends till he comes back. From that moment, you both will know what to do. Good luck!
Jul 6th, 2008
Genny
This is so true i love your list
i have only dated 1 deaf person but, all my friends
are deaf!So yeah its so true the part where
you said to ask dont act like you
know what they are talking about
There have been so many times ive been
lost but,now i always ask
well i also have a comment for JENNIFER
DEAF PEOPLE ARE NOT HANDICAPPED OR
MENTALLY RETARTED!!
Oct 10th, 2008
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